I find this entire series very unenjoyable, but I appreciated what I felt were academic analyses of consent and power in the first two books. Because I find this entire series very unenjoyable, but I appreciated what I felt were academic analyses of consent and power in the first two books. Because this third installment failed to present any academic point, there was really nothing for me here. The attempt was clearly to say something about how, traditionally, women have actually fought in wars, not stayed on the sidelines fainting and tending to wounds like, I don't know, some people expect, but really the story was more about how cool women want to be BFFs with Blomkvist and have sex with him. I didn’t really get anything out of the interjections about the Amazons, which appeared at different intervals throughout this book. And I don’t happen to care about who wants to have sex with Blomkvist – I find Blomkvist abominable – so this was terrible. I know that all of the books have been about how the chicks dig Blomkvist, but they also offered something smart and academic that this one lacked.
The other thing up in this ol’ book was that just about every five pages this conversation would happen:
“Remember how awesome book 2 was?”
“Yeah, that was so cool. We were so badass. Remember how you were all Aaaaaack, and I was like neeeeeeer, and then it was like whoooooaaaa, and bang bang?”
“Yeah, then my favorite part was like hacking computers and taking down the system.”
“Totally. And it was like, mystery guys and punching and guns and stuff.”
“Do you think the prime minister knows how cool book 2 was?”
“We should definitely tell him. And we should tell like chiefs of police and ambassadors and other important people.”
And then everyone goes off to describe book 2 to important people, and they all have that conversation OVER AND OVER. Like, whoa, dudes. You are so cool. But mostly Blomkvist is cool because badass warrior chicks want to have sex with him and it doesn’t even bother him that they are stronger and smarter than him. Yeah, what a man. Big pat on the back from this corner that you’re not offended that women are cool. His fucking humility is really why he’s so fucking cool.
What a douche.
And Lisbeth Salander is hanging out in bed this entire book.
And then, in the end, there’s a “trial,” where they re-tell book 2 for the eleventy millionth time, and there is ONE hearsay objection, which happens basically the ONLY time a statement isn’t hearsay throughout the entire “trial.” And after the objection, no one reacts, the judge doesn’t rule on it, and the questioning just continues like nothing happened. I object to that.
Here’s the thing about the crappy trial: I know that Larsson has the capacity to do research and not be a total moron about technical matters, so there’s really no excuse for what goes down there. And it was so out of control that it was painful to read. Not that ALL OF THE REST OF THIS SERIES wasn’t, also, COMPLETELY PAINFUL to read, but at least most of it wasn’t stupid. This was stupid.
My Cousin Vinny and Legally Blonde do a better job at adhering to trial practice rules, AND are more entertaining.
Ugh, and then there’s this tacked on ending-ending where Lisbeth goes to Blomkvist’s house to make up and be BFFs again (or he goes to her house, I can’t even remember). And they make up, awwwwww. Whew, too, because that was what I was really worried about in this book about slavery, rape, and oppression. I was REALLY fucking worried that one of these women wouldn’t want to be Blomkvist’s friend. Because that’s what rape and slavery stories are mostly about: douchey guys getting the hugs they deserve.
This sucked. I hate all of these idiot people. I’m so glad it’s over....more
This was like if Hannah Montana tried to write an erotica novel.
The popularity of this book makes me need to[image]
This was like reading a jackhammer.
This was like if Hannah Montana tried to write an erotica novel.
The popularity of this book makes me need to move to a different planet. I am making the assumption that it comes from people not actually liking to read, but liking to have their self-destructive cultural values reinforced. Girls don’t like to eat. If you do whatever he says, he’ll turn into a handsome prince. It’s not his fault he’s abusing you, it’s only because mommy was mean. To have good sex, a girl has to start out not wanting it. Women have to teach men how to be human.
If that’s not what it is, then maybe this book is an outline of a fairy tale and the sex scenes are what people are really looking at. Poor girl is asleep; rich prince is an asshole; they kiss and it wakes her up and turns him nice. We’re so used to the story that we don't need to hear any actual story again, but a shorthand is enough to awaken all of the comforting memories of being taught that if we stay with our abuser, he will change. It’s like this Jack Handy Deep Thought: “I remember the first time I ever saw a shooting star I said, ‘What the hell is that?’ But nowadays when I see one I just say, ‘What is that?’ I leave off the ‘hell’ part. Maybe when I'm old I'll just say, ‘Whazzit?’” Fifty Shades of Grey is the “Whazzit?” in a long line of stories about girls learning to be brainless to please their abusers.
So, maybe the Whazzit story has become so common that it is a neutral color and a reader who enjoyed this book would really be focusing on the sex scenes. But, then, is the sex really worth focusing on here? It uses the annoying euphemisms of typical romance novels and still manages to be even more prudish than usual about descriptions. I hate the “apex of my thighs” business, but that’s common enough. But, “he touched me There”??? That is just dumb. Another reader pointed out to me that if you search for the word "cock" in this book, it is never used to refer to a penis, but used about forty times to describe someone "cocking" their heads. It is used so much, and so oddly, that Ana even comments on all the head cocking that goes on. Not a super sexy use of a cock.
Also, the sex scenes are very logistically difficult to follow, which does not make for hotness in my book. I had no idea what happened during the one with the plastic tie. She somehow hooked her wrists on a bed post? Was she suspended away from the bed post? So confused. But, the weirdest one to me was the first bathtub scene. So, they’re in the bathtub, and she gives him the A+ blowjob, wherein we learn that she has no gag reflex. But . . . how much water was in the bathtub? How did this actually happen? Did they just have a couple of inches of water in the tub? That doesn’t sound very relaxing. If they had a normal amount of water, did she have to do an underwater bj? Did he have to float while she gave him the bj? Did he sit on the side of the tub??? If I don’t even know what’s going on, how am I supposed to consider whether it’s hot or not?
Even aside from being confused by the sex scenes, for me, most of this story was strikingly repelling. And I’m talking, like, I think even Pleasuring the Pirate was hotter. I imagine this can’t be true, but it’s possible that this book hits every turn off for me:
(1) “Baby.” Don’t ever call me a baby, unless I am actually being a baby. Also, never say “laters” before you say “baby.” The words “laters” and “baby” should never be used individually, and certainly not in the same sentence. Also, never say that like a million times and then discuss how original it is to say it. That makes me puke.
(2) Stick insects. Christian Grey appears to be some sort of stick insect with freakishly long tentacle fingers. I am not attracted to stick insects.
(3) Contracts. Not hot.
(4) Bossiness. I loathe bossiness. Why can’t people just do what they want to do, and also avoid being jerks? Why push everyone around? Unattractive.
(4) Boring snobbery. I just can’t abide it. It makes my skin crawl. If you want to be a snob, be a snob about something interesting, not wine and classical music and cars. Be a snob about stage makeup or teacups, or something. I don't know what. Be a snob about your own thing. Why is it cool to be a snob about boring things and nerdy to be a snob about something different? Wine/opera/cars snobbery is so expected. Plus, wine snobbery is impossible to listen to. I like wine, don’t get me wrong, but when people turn their nose up and start to talk vintages in a fake British accent, it is obnoxiously ridiculous. This didn’t actually do that, I imagine because James might ultimately know very little about wine, but it gestured at it as though she wished she could talk bouquets and oaks and vintages.
Those are the turn offs I can think of now, but I’m sure there are more. Oh, sitting in a bathtub of menstrual blood is, it turns out, a turn off for me. I knew about the tampon scene, and whipping a tampon out to have sex does not freak me out the way it seems to freak some people. One of my friends got totally freaked out by a part where something similar (though more clearly and eloquently, and also maybe a little more creepily, described) happens in The English Patient, and I remember finding it a little haunting and creepy, but sort of beautiful, there. BUT THEN, in Fifty Shades, SHE DOESN’T PUT A TAMPON BACK IN!! And they go and hang out in the bathtub for a little while. So, that’s disgusting and unnecessary. I am not in favor of hanging out in pools of things that come out of my body. Turn off.
Oh, seeing life through the POV of an anorexic – turn off.
Locality annoyance: say, “I-5.” “The Interstate 5”? Please.
I’m not even going to talk about the subconscious and inner goddess because that is just facially crazy talk. And annoying.
Setting aside all of the distracting writing and the way my personal lady parts shrivel up and hide at all the details of this story, it really is the fact the relationship here that is the worst thing. People have talked this to death, but much of the sex and violence Ana experiences are sex and violence she acquiesces to because she’s too scared to lose a boy, not sex and violence she asks for because she wants them. That is very, very annoying to read about. It’s like listening to a nauseatingly long restraining order hearing while knowing the whole time that it won’t be granted. If you want to sacrifice your life with the hope that a man will change, it’s your life. But, don’t whine to me about your stupid choices.
Resumes are possibly my least favorite thing to write or read . . . or maybe my second least favorite, after cover letters. It’s so difficult to land Resumes are possibly my least favorite thing to write or read . . . or maybe my second least favorite, after cover letters. It’s so difficult to land in the right place on the scale between unqualified/disinterested and fake/braggy, so I always aim for straight accuracy. Did I do that thing? If yes, then I will include it. If it’s a stretch, I’ll probably leave it off. I have definitely swung from one side to the other as I’ve tried to navigate the spectrum of resume writing, but I feel most comfortable if I just aim for accuracy. As resumes go, Argo landed a little closer to the fake/braggy line than I like.
Ben Affleck, as you probably know, made the main story in this book into a movie recently. I haven’t seen it yet, but I imagine it was somewhat more successful than this book is. I got trapped in a room with an older lawyer the other day, and he backed me into a corner telling stories about his legal practice. Listening to this book kind of felt like that, too, except it’s an old CIA guy telling stories about doing CIA stuff. Ultimately, in the last 10% of the story, he goes to Iran and saves some Americans who were hiding out during the hostage crisis that lasted from 1979-1981. It seems like that would be more interesting than it was, just like it seems to me like an older lawyer telling stories would be more interesting than it typically is. And the thing that always kills them for me is the fishing for an ego stroke that goes along with a lot of those stories.
The stories go like this:
I was sitting in my office smoking and looking like Don Draper, but above all being very humble and never telling anyone about the amazing work I was always doing. Suddenly, my manly secretary (not manly because of her attitude, but manly because she was a spinster) came rushing into my office with a telegram. It said, ‘The world will end unless you solve the rubik’s cube.’ I recalled that Stephen Hawking worked down the hall from me, in the office next to Jesus and kitty-corner from Shakespeare. When we weren’t saving the world, we liked to taste scotch together and goof around. Jesus was always asking me for fashion advice, and couldn’t tie a tie to save his life – that rascal!
Also, at that time, they were doing construction on a new wing of our office building. It’s the wing that Batman works in now. You’ve heard of Batman, right?
So, I walk down to Stephen Hawking’s office, and I bring my rubik’s cube. I walk on the linoleum that used to be in all of the office buildings. It was a brownish color. People now are too young to remember the brownish linoleum in office buildings, but it was installed by linoleum installers. They were salt-of-the-earth men with muscles like the rolling hills of Africa.
Because Stephen Hawking and I both speak twelve languages, the only trouble in solving the rubik’s cube was what language we should speak in while we solved it. As I pointed out to him the final move we needed to make in order to solve the grand puzzle, I noticed a glint of respect in his eye at my superior intellect.
Shakespeare came to the door and said, "Let me tell you a joke: knock knock."
"Who's there?" I responded, understanding the common exchange in a "knock-knock joke."
"Fuck you!" Shakespeare yelled. And we laughed and laughed, forgetting our worries about the end of the world and enjoying the camaraderie of the moment.
Then, many women ran to me and kissed my feet, and the President of the United States asked if he could take a picture with me. I don’t like to tell this earth-shattering story because I am so humble, so you’re welcome.
Wow! You know Batman, Mr. CIA? I bet you have one million Aston Martins and just as many fleshlightsbimbos, er, 'girlfriends'!
This book is actually even more humble-braggy than that, but it sort of gives you an idea. I know a girl who can’t stop name-dropping and reciting her resume, as well as the resumes of her mother and this federal judge she knows. Like, she is in some kind of perpetual tailspin of resume reciting. And sometimes I wonder if that is a mental disease many men contract as they get older. The saddest part to me is that there are probably a lot of good stories underneath all that humble-bragging, but I can’t hear them because I am too annoyed. I mean, if you just think of reading a book about a CIA agent saving Americans during a hostage crisis, it seems like it would be a fun story. But, this wasn’t.
Mendez deserves any praise he gets, I’m sure, but I just can’t abide fishing for compliments. Ego is the easiest way to interfere with any good story, whether the ego takes the form of showy humility or bragging. Argo seemed to be some kind of extended, convoluted resume, and I think it would have been a better policy to just aim for accuracy rather than getting so caught up in the accolades Mendez deserved or didn’t deserve. Humility and arrogance both make a story about ego, rather than about the story, and ego ruined this one for me.
Also, the reader’s voice was strikingly nasal. I would say this is the second worst audio book I’ve listened to, after Three Cups of Tea....more
This book is very valuable insofar as it has taught me to respect the society of men the way I would respect the circle around a chained-up rabid dog.This book is very valuable insofar as it has taught me to respect the society of men the way I would respect the circle around a chained-up rabid dog. Usually it seemed like the men were always criticizing each other behind one another's backs and this usually arose from something like “he has slightly insulted my honor or friend, perhaps unintentionally, I'm not going to find out, I'm just going to list off and exaggerate every one of his faults because it will create a deeper bond between me and my brother or friend try to kill him.” This book profoundly depressed me. It helped to destroy any hopes I had of ever having a happy relationship with a man.
JUST KIDDING! But, this book did take me on a stroll down recent-memory lane. In case that comment gets somehow deleted, here it is:
(view spoiler)[ Justin wrote: “This reminds me of what I started telling people about this book after I first read it. ‘It's very valuable insofar as it has taught me to respect the society of women the way I would respect the circle around a chained-up rabid dog.’ I don't remember who Elinor was but I remember scene after scene playing out like what you describe. Although usually it seemed like the women were always criticizing each other behind one another's backs and this usually arose from something like ‘She has slightly insulted my sister or friend, perhaps unintentionally, I'm not going to find out, I'm just going to list off and exagerate every one of her faults because it will create a deeper bond between me and my sister or friend.’ This book profoundly depressed me. It helped to destroy any hopes I had of ever having a happy relationship with a woman. Luckily, it taught me to avoid mistakes in the future. It taught me the rules to a game that no one had ever taught me but which women consider all important and it suddenly made sense of all the times that whole swaths of women would suddenly turn against me after being so nice to me. I guess it should be praised for being true to life. just like in real life, the people in this book don't try to communicate with those they have a grievance with. They just take pleasure in the grievance. World War One? All of humanity througout all of human history. Anyway, it doesn't seem like anything gets resolved through the hard work of communication which real relationships require. Things just get accidentally discovered about Mr. Darcy, making him oh so attractive, because if he had tried to straighten things out directly he would have looked arrogant and insensitive. I like how sensitive he was to people on the big issues at the end, but all those hoops that had to be jumped through in an empty, empty game....why? Human selfishness. Self and selfishibility.” (hide spoiler)]
I was wondering about whether it meant that I have some kind of hatred of men that I’m not aware of, and it was belied by the fact that, while I was listening to this book, I kept thinking about Justin’s colorful expression of hating women. But, no, I don’t think I hate men. That I know of. Just sometimes y’all can be a little hypocritical in your descriptions of why you hate women. But, who isn’t hypocritical sometimes? I hate bananas, but I love banana bread. Humanity is so complex.
Master and Commander made me think a little about how some sorts of interpersonal interactions are the same across genders, but they do feel different, somehow. This book was a lot of kicking up heels at a sleepover and obsessing about what somebody meant when he dropped a random hint at an accusation, gabbing about the nature of feelings, showing off about clothes and food, and gossiping about how to manage social status while dating. Since I’ve tolerated, or even enjoyed, those happenings in other books, I took to thinking about why this book was so shockingly boring to me. The obvious answer is that it was men who were doing those things and that somehow just the very nature of someone different than me doing them bores me. That would be so weird, but MAYBE TRUE! Could it just be the fact of the different appearance that makes the interpersonal deathly dull here, where it is immensely compelling in Austen?
There are at least two things definitely going on here, other than just the failure to provide a physically identifiable character for me, that made this book astoundingly boring. The first is the prevaricating about emotion and the interpersonal. The second, of course, is the women.
On the prevarication point, it’s just not very interesting to listen to someone be like, “IDK, maybe I like him, maybe I don’t” for HOURS. You know? I don’t care if it’s a man or a woman saying it. “Maybe I want to challenge him to a duel; maybe my sense of honor can’t reconcile with my position; maybe I was too brave or not brave enough!” Good golly. Somebody tell a joke!
One time, I posted this Virginia Woolf quote on facebook. It was from her writer’s diary, and it referred to these established male writers, friends of hers, who were critiquing her work. They didn’t care for it, but their critiques seemed to have missed something very basic in what she was saying. I don’t remember exactly what the quote was, but it said something like, “It is so difficult for the genders to communicate that among these very wise men, sometimes they will say things, and I can’t help but think that it sounds very similar to stupidity.” The day after I posted that quote, a man I know came up to me and expressed that he was offended I would post something that was so clearly anti-men on my facebook. And I couldn’t help but think him saying that so took the quote to mean the opposite of what it actually means that it sounded similar to stupidity. So, maybe there is something similar in my reaction here, where all of the interactions among the men in this book seem so See Spot Run that it is difficult to be interested. But, I am probably missing something.
On the unfortunate women point . . . well, there’s not much to say about that. This book has no very good opinion of women, black people, or homosexuals. It doesn’t like us, folks, so we best move along. I think it is fair to bring stuff back around to Austen at this point. She doesn’t write her books about the men folk, so her male characters do have a tendency to be somewhat flat and act as props for the women to grow around. I think she loves her men, though. I love her men, at least. But, this. Wheeeuuu. Not a fan of the women. They’re either morons who basically speak in gibberish, or whores who ruin men’s lives. We are not welcome. And the gays get shot, but, you know, you had it coming. Black people . . . well, you can be useful at times, but no one understands your speech. So, you best walk on by. Oh, man, I am so tired of talking about people who hate people for dumb reasons. Start being more interesting, you guys!
Point: it would be interesting to jump into the skin of someone who could have identified with any of this to see if I would then have found it interesting. But, I wouldn't want to live in that skin.
Anyway, I don’t feel . . . angry . . . or really anything about this book. It is just boring. I wouldn’t say there is any objective redeeming value, but apparently some people like it. They made a movie of it. It might be saying something, but to me it sounds a lot like stupidity. ...more
Okay, is this where the random bolding phenomenon is coming from?? Have you all known this and not told me? Is it just so you can laugh behind my backOkay, is this where the random bolding phenomenon is coming from?? Have you all known this and not told me? Is it just so you can laugh behind my back? See? I can’t even randomly bold if I try. It always ends up being for emphasis.
This book is about don’t give kids guns. That’s pretty much it. But, sometimes, you know . . . zombie apocalypse . . . sounds like a good idea to give a kid a gun. And if you think that, you’re an idiot.
My dad used to keep a lot of guns in the house at one particularly precarious point in my childhood, and the parents would leave my brother and I alone for the day while they went to work. One day, my brother found a gun and shot the wall. My mom flipped out, and all the guns got sent out of the house, but I think ultimately it somehow got blamed on the X-Men. Anyway, don’t leave guns in the house.
This was definitely better than the show because not as much emphasis on the love triangle. Also, I like the sounds the zombies make. They say, “Gak” and “Iligh” and other non-zombie-sounding noises. That is pretty great.
I don't know if that's a spoiler or not, but the zombies do make funny zombie noises. Especially when everything else is pretty straight “BLAM” and “POW” and other old school Batman stuff.
[image]
Overall, I’m not so big on Westerns, and I think this series is a Western with zombies. British zombies are so much more compelling than American zombies. Watch Dead Set, people. WATCH DEAD SET.
I’ve watched quite a few episodes of Scooby Doo, The Road Runner, and Looney Tunes in my time, so a lot of the twists and turns in this story were spoI’ve watched quite a few episodes of Scooby Doo, The Road Runner, and Looney Tunes in my time, so a lot of the twists and turns in this story were spoilered for me long before I started listening to this book. Also, for many years, after I first heard the title of this book in high school, I thought it was called The Scarlet Pumpernickel, which always sounded rather disgusting to me. Who wants their bread to be the color of blood? Not this girl. And I don’t even particularly care for normal-colored pumpernickel. Instead, it turns out to be a pretty red flower like on the cover of this version of the book:
[image]
So, that’s a mercy. I don’t really want to read about a hero whose signature is a red loaf of bread. YOU GUYS!! This is why I thought it was the Scarlet Pumpernickel!!! My relationship with this book was doomed from childhood.
You’re a book!
I can’t even remember who does this, but I know I used to be around someone a lot who, when she would meet an animal or a baby, she would tell it what it was. “You’re a dog!!” “You’re a girl!!” Like, if there were a lull in the conversation she was having with that particular person or animal. “You’re a boy!!” I do this now. That was kind of how I felt about this book. When I was listening to it, the only real thought I had was, “You’re a book!” That’s for dang certain. This story was a book.
There were a lot of boring parts in this story, like when it’s going onnnn and onnnn about how charming and noble English people are and how fucked up bloody revolution is, but especially because the French are fucked up. Or how, remember now kids, wimmins is just intuitive and mens is just gallant. So boring. In general, there is a lot of boring nationalism, sexism, and anti-Semitism in the story. And there’s not a lot to make up for it. Also, there was a lot of telling about how freaking smart Marguerite St. Just was, but she fell for traps and mistaken identity bullshit that the road runner never would have fallen for. So, I had to doubt the scale on which we were measuring her intelligence. It seemed like it was probably the “intuitive woman” scale, and everybody knows that’s rigged.
There was one part, though, that I really loved. Marguerite and Percy get home from the ball, and it’s the part where she confronts him about the rift in their marriage. I thought it was beautiful. I think that, no, if a man acts like he doesn’t like you, he probably actually doesn’t like you and is probably not hiding his secret passion for you, but still, their conversation and their tension caught me all up. More of that! His denial of all coldness and his evasiveness, even while the coldness was obvious, but his underlying passion and her perception of it, was nicely done. Nevertheless, it seems like a few good, honest talks the year before could have at least spared everyone, including the loving couple, some strenuous eye-rolling. And two people living together who despise each other: brrrr. Maybe it is usually because of serious misunderstandings, but in my opinion, sometimes people just don’t like each other. The Blakeneys dodged more than one bullet in this story.
I wish I could tell you exactly what Percy said that seemed so smart, but I listened to this on audio, so it is all a vague impression to me. I think that was a good choice because I could tune out for a little while and still be chapters and chapters ahead of the obvious revelations the book was prepping me for. If I had read this when I was twelve, I think it would have been a favorite, but really, too much Loony Tunes or Agatha Christie, or something, has ruined me. Anyway, it was a lovely audio, though. I’m glad I decided to listen rather than read this one. ...more
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