Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You Quotes

“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“When you're here, I'm there for you. And when you're there, I'm here for you.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person’s not a little impulsive, they don’t have a pulse.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I loved her so much, but she vanished from my life. She didn’t just suddenly disappear, but she slowly began losing her opacity until eventually her transparency was 100%.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“My facial hair is imperative. I put the must in mustache.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door, or I could pull my straw out of the water and stop setting a bad example.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the time thing for me.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it there in a hundred?”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

“Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You